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September 6, 2006
Language & Literature, Science & Technology
(Reading is believing…)
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt!
Filed by The Editor on September 6th, 2006
September 2, 2006
In Other Words, Language & Literature
(q-tip waxes philosophic, as lord of the tribe…)
[sample audio] — abbridged
What is a party if it doesn’t really rock?
What is a poet? All balls, no cock.
What is a war if it doesn’t have a general?
What’s Channel Nine if it doesn’t have Arsenio?
What is life if you don’t have fun?
What is a “what?” if you ain’t got a gun?
What is a quest if the players ain’t willing?
What is a pence if you don’t have a shilling?
What’s a fat man without food in his gut?
What’s a child birth, without the umbilical?
What’s United Parcel, without the deliverer?
What’s Momma-san, without Poppa-san?
What’s martial arts without Daniel-san?
Notta notta notta, notta damn thing.
What’s Duke Ellington without that swing?
What’s Alex Haley if it doesn’t have Roots?
What’s a weekend if you ain’t knockin’ boots?
What’s a black nation, without black unity?
What is a child who doesn’t know puberty?
What is my label when I exit boom status?
What’s menage-a-tois? Or, that is…
What is sex when you have three people?
What are laws if they ain’t fair and equal?
What’s Clark Kent without a telephone booth?
What is a liquor if it ain’t 80 proof?
What are the youth if they ain’t rebellin?
Whats Raplh Kramden, if he ain’t yellin’
…at Ed Norton? What is coke snortin’?
What is position if there is no contortin’?
What is hip-hop if it doesn’t have violence?
Chill for a minute, Doug E. Fresh said “silence”
*four second pause*
What is a glock if you don’t have a clip?
What’s a lollipop without the good ship?
What’s S&M if you dont have chains?
What’s a con-artist if he doesn’t have brains?
What’s America without greed and glamour?
What’s an MC if he doesn’t have stamina?
What’s music fractured without Mr. Walt?
What’s Trugoy without a phrase called torte?
What’s Chris Lighty if he wasn’t such a baby?
What is a woman if she didn’t say maybe?
Baby laid down, I removed the frown.
What would be my penal cord, if it wasn’t brown?
What is a paper without a president?
What is a compound without an element?
What is a jam if you don’t spike the punch?
What’s a Bruce Lee if you don’t like brunch?
Oooh ooh, it’s like that.You keep goin’…
Filed by The Editor on September 2nd, 2006
August 27, 2006
In Other Words, Language & Literature, The Middle East
(Few have understood the Middle East and it’s people like Lebanese-born poet and scholar, Khalil Gibran. In this, my favourite of his smaller works, Gibran explores the concept of cultural integration and social identity, relevant now more than ever in the land he once called home)
Chapter One: How I Became a Madman
You ask me how I became a madman. It happened thus: One day, long before many gods were born, I woke from a deep sleep and found all my masks were stolen — the seven masks I have fashioned and worn in seven lives — I ran maskless through the crowded streets shouting, “Thieves, thieves, the cursed thieves.”
Men and women laughed at me and some ran to their houses in fear of me. And when I reached the market place, a youth standing on a house-top cried, “He is a madman.” I looked up to behold him and the sun kissed my own naked face for the first time. My soul was inflamed with love for the sun, and I wanted my masks no more. And as if in a trance I cried, “Blessed, blessed are the thieves who stole my masks.”
Thus I became a madman. And I have found both freedom and safety in my madness; the freedom of loneliness and the safety from being understood, for those who understand us enslave something in us.
But let me not be too proud of my safety. Even a Thief in a jail is safe from another thief.
Chapter Two…
Filed by The Editor on August 27th, 2006
February 5, 2006
Language & Literature, Science & Technology
“The time has come,” the Walrus said, “To talk of many things…”
- Lewis Carroll, The Walrus and The Carpenter, 1872
That Charles L. Dodgson was considered by many to be a serial pedophile had little to do with his celebrated creative legacy. After all, he was a distinguished Anglican clergyman, a pioneer in early photography, a gifted mathematician, and above all, a writer of great fictional prose. As he wandered through the English language over a hundred years ago, his literary and personal idiosyncrasies led him from subject to subject and metaphor to metaphor, spawning works that have continued to delight his readers ever since.
But perhaps his most enduring legacy comes from the lines of a little known poem called The Walrus and the Carpenter, whose insight into the world’s natural pecking order has inspired everything from a #1 Beatles hit to an indictment of organized religion to a strangely popular obsession with the oversized mustache. In each case, this magnificent Arctic creature is personified in ways that extend far above its place in the natural order of things, and as the walrus continues to work its way into the popular imagery of our time, it has achieved something that Dodgson, for all his efforts, never could: an escape from sexual disgrace.
(more…)
Filed by The Editor on February 5th, 2006
January 13, 2006
Finance & Economics, Language & Literature
(the following prose figures prominantly at the end of every nortel press release. caveat investor…)
Certain information included in this press release is forward-looking and is subject to important risks and uncertainties. The results or events predicted in these statements may differ materially from actual results or events. Factors which could cause results or events to differ from current expectations include, among other things: the outcome of regulatory and criminal investigations and civil litigation actions related to Nortel’s restatements and the impact any resulting legal judgments, settlements, penalties and expenses could have on Nortel’s results of operations, financial condition and liquidity, and any related potential dilution of Nortel’s common shares; the findings of Nortel’s independent review and implementation of recommended remedial measures; the outcome of the ongoing independent review with respect to revenues for specific identified transactions, which review will have a particular emphasis on the underlying conduct that led to the initial recognition of these revenues; the restatement or revisions of Nortel’s previously announced or filed financial results and resulting negative publicity; the existence of material weaknesses in Nortel’s internal control over financial reporting and the conclusion of Nortel’s management and independent auditor that Nortel’s internal control over financial reporting is ineffective, which could continue to impact Nortel’s ability to report its results of operations and financial condition accurately and in a timely manner; the impact of Nortel’s and NNL’s failure to timely file their financial statements and related periodic reports, including Nortel’s inability to access its shelf registration statement filed with the United States Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC); the impact of management changes, including the termination for cause of Nortel’s former CEO, CFO and Controller in April 2004; the sufficiency of Nortel’s restructuring activities, including the work plan announced on August 19, 2004 as updated on September 30, 2004 and December 14, 2004, including the potential for higher actual costs to be incurred in connection with restructuring actions compared to the estimated costs of such actions; cautious or reduced spending by Nortel’s customers; increased consolidation among Nortel’s customers and the loss of customers in certain markets; fluctuations in Nortel’s operating results and general industry, economic and market conditions and growth rates; fluctuations in Nortel’s cash flow, level of outstanding debt and current debt ratings; Nortel’s monitoring of the capital markets for opportunities to improve its capital structure and financial flexibility; Nortel’s ability to recruit and retain qualified employees; the use of cash collateral to support Nortel’s normal course business activities; the dependence on Nortel’s subsidiaries for funding; the impact of Nortel’s defined benefit plans and deferred tax assets on results of operations and Nortel’s cash flow; the adverse resolution of class actions, litigation in the ordinary course of business, intellectual property disputes and similar matters; Nortel’s dependence on new product development and its ability to predict market demand for particular products; Nortel’s ability to integrate the operations and technologies of acquired businesses in an effective manner; the impact of rapid technological and market change; the impact of price and product competition; barriers to international growth and global economic conditions, particularly in emerging markets and including interest rate and currency exchange rate fluctuations; the impact of rationalization and consolidation in the telecommunications industry; changes in regulation of the Internet; the impact of the credit risks of Nortel’s customers and the impact of customer financing and commitments; general stock market volatility; negative developments associated with Nortel’s supply contracts and contract manufacturing agreements, including as a result of using a sole supplier for a key component of certain optical networks solutions; the impact of Nortel’s supply and outsourcing contracts that contain delivery and installation provisions, which, if not met, could result in the payment of substantial penalties or liquidated damages; any undetected product defects, errors or failures; the future success of Nortel’s strategic alliances; and certain restrictions on how Nortel and its president and chief executive officer conduct business. For additional information with respect to certain of these and other factors, see the most recent Annual Report on Form 10-K and Quarterly Report on Form 10-Q filed by Nortel with the SEC. Unless otherwise required by applicable securities laws, Nortel disclaims any intention or obligation to update or revise any forward-looking statements, whether as a result of new information, future events or otherwise.
(x) Nortel, the Nortel logo and the Globemark are trademarks of Nortel Networks.
Filed by The Editor on January 13th, 2006
July 1, 2005
In Other Words, Language & Literature
(”Everything stinks till it’s finished,” Dr. Seuss once said, long before the enlightened age of ‘Sesame Street’ and the meteoric rise of ‘Blue’s Clues’. Developmental education has certainly come a long way since the early days of green eggs and ham, but I still can’t help but marvel at his strangely provocative style, given that my own first read was the ever-popular “Cat in the Hat Comes Back” just weeks after my fourth birthday. Consequently, I thought it only fitting to share with the readership this great New Yorker piece about the science of rhyme and reason, and the man who first brought it to the world…)
CAT PEOPLE
What Dr. Seuss really taught us.
by LOUIS MENAND
Issue of 2002-12-23
The Cat in the Hat was a Cold War invention. His value as an analyst of the psychology of his time, the late nineteen-fifties, is readily appreciated: transgression and hypocrisy are the principal themes of his little story. But he also stands in an intimate and paradoxical relation to national-security policy. He was both its creature and its nemesis—the unraveller of the very culture that produced him and that made him a star. This is less surprising than it may seem. He was, after all, a cat.
Every reader of “The Cat in the Hat” will feel that the story revolves around a piece of withheld information: what private demons or desires compelled this mother to leave two young children at home all day, with the front door unlocked, under the supervision of a fish? Terrible as the cat is, the woman is lucky that her children do not fall prey to some more insidious intruder. The mother’s abandonment is the psychic wound for which the antics of the cat make so useless a palliative. The children hate the cat. They take no joy in his stupid pet tricks, and they resent his attempt to distract them from what they really want to be doing, which is staring out the window for a sign of their mother’s return. Next to that consummation, a cake on a rake is a pretty feeble entertainment.
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Filed by The Editor on July 1st, 2005
June 21, 2005
Language & Literature, Science & Technology
“How much?”
“A lot,” she replies.
“Generic answer” he says, as he heads down the stairs.
The guy has a natural fascination for numbers and quantity. He’s expecting an impressive response. But how much is a lot? And a lot more than what?
Just then, a book drops down on the table in front of her. To put this in context, a lot of books have dropped on the table in front of her these past few months. Well…maybe not dropped, but definitely placed with loving intention.
This time, it’s “A Brief History of Infinity: The Quest to Think the Unthinkable”.
So that’s what he meant. The biggest thing there is.
“Forget counting sheep,” he muses. “Staring at this for even a minute could knock me out on the spot.”
She looks at the image again, this time walking around its infinite edges with her beautiful brown eyes. It takes just a few revolutions around Escher’s inspiring geometric forms for her mind to begin to wander, first through the recesses of her own consciousness, and then out into the infinite worlds of physics, philosophy, theology and math.
Not surprisingly, this turned out to be a little more stimulating than counting four-legged pillows as they leap rather desperately over a rustic wooden fence. Imagine if restless children were told to “think big” instead of “count sheep” as they lay awake just before bed. Imagine the sort of dreams that might unfold if their tender creative minds were exposed to that sort of higer-order thinking, just as their growing little bodies slip peacefully under the captive veil of sleep.
“Alright, little Jamie. This time, I want you to try and think about how many grains of sand it would take to fill up the entire universe.”
“Alright, little Billy. This time, I want you to think about how you would walk along that never-ending line without falling off.”
Quite simply, it isn’t until you really concentrate on the infinite that your mind begins to wander in these amazingly novel ways. The Hitchhiker’s Guide (not surprisingly) contains the following useful illustration:
“Bigger than the biggest thing ever and then some, much bigger than that, in fact really amazingly immense, a totally stunning size, real ‘wow, thats big!’ time. Infinity is just so big that by comparison, bigness itself looks really titchy. Gigantic multiplied by colossal multiplied by staggeringly huge is the sort of concept we are trying to get across here…”
And so the children think, and sleep, and think some more. And the world is forever changed. Chasing the infinite is an exercise in cognitive futility, but in the end, that’s really the point. When you think about something so unbelievably massive, in contrast, everything else seems so remarkably insignificant. All of your other problems simply dissolve. They become trivial; mere droplets under the bridge.
“But he did this” and “she said that” become obsolete. Arguing over nonsense becomes pointless. Minds grow open to other perspectives, and in the inspiring spirit of Mill, any fundamental disagreements become invaluable stepping stones to an even greater understanding of the world around us (regardless of who was right and why).
And all this from a tiny little picture on the cover of a book, that still, in its infinite greatness, doesn’t quite describe the absolute enormity of her boyfriend’s original question.
“Infinity or not,” she insists. “Love is still the biggest thing there is.”
And for him, that answer was more than enough.
Filed by The Editor on June 21st, 2005
June 19, 2005
Fiction & Art, Language & Literature
one word: distraction.
three times a second.
everywhere.
and all of them, in some way, important.
it seems impossible sometimes.
making time to capture your thoughts.
what a simple pleasure that is:
having the freedom to write.
whenever you feel the need
to put down, on paper,
for decades and centuries to come,
the precise constitution of your mind
at a specific point in time,
at some a specific place,
in some specific way.
sometimes it’s a power cord.
sometimes, a cellphone.
sometimes, even an in-law.
whichever leash you’re wearing,
be sure it isn’t strong enough
to hold you back.
because the writer’s struggle isn’t one of words;
it’s one of ideas.
words are his tools; ideas are his chores.
ideas are his hobbies.
ideas,
inevitably,
become his life.
so wherever you lie,
on that great spectrum of creativity,
we all have something in common.
we all want to share our story with the world.
we all want to create.
we all want to survive;
for longer than our bodies.
but never than our minds.
ah, the mind.
the only eternal element.
that patron of the soul.
that elusive inner beast.
that keeper of your real self-image.
that beacon of all that you are.
the mind.
that steward of the heart.
that elusive inner song.
that keeper of your real desires.
that shepherd of all that you need.
the mind.
that sceptre of the body.
that elusive outer shell.
that keeper of your real abilities.
that leader of all that you feel.
deep,
in the vast creative ether of the mind,
lies the writer’s greatest struggle.
lies his one unscaled peak.
lies his gentle inspiration.
in the mind.
that always gets…
so…
…
…
distracted.
Filed by The Editor on June 19th, 2005
June 8, 2005
History & Society, Language & Literature
Park Avenue, the Champs d’Elysee, Memory Lane. No matter the urban moniker, the basic premise is always the same: someone or something had such an impact on a specific area that all future reference to that particular spot would carry their memory for years and decades to come. But how do these “Main” streets earn their namesake in the first place? The “Champs d’Elysee”, for instance, literally translates into the “Elysian Fields“, that mythical resting place for the souls of the heroic virtuous. Berlin’s “Unter der Linden Strasse” literally tells the tale of a leisurely stroll under the street’s “Linden trees”. In Madrid, “Avenida Jose Antonio” takes its eponymous moniker from a charismatic Spanish hero. And in Sao Paulo, “Rua Paulista” simply mimics an early nickname for the city’s nearly twenty million inhabitants (originally worshipers of the catholic saint “Paul of Tarsus“). That said, New York’s “Fifth Avenue” is nothing more than a very ordinary number within the greater Manhattan grid, and despite its relatively uninspired nomenclature, it still plays host to some of the most expensive real estate on the planet.With few exceptions, most major street names have long and storied histories, filled with passion and intrigue and often significant regional importance. Take, for instance, the Toronto neighbourhood within which I presently reside. There are at least ten streets in the immediate area whose names begin with “Indian”, a system first established by legendary architect John Howard because they followed a series of ancient trails that were used by Native Canadians. Unfortunately, many of these stories have long since vanished, and their names have simply decayed into our basic urban vernacular. They’ve lost their impressive historical significance.
No street better exemplifies that tragic fate than Toronto’s infamous “Jarvis Street”. Home to the city’s modern sex trade (and, co-incidentally, one of its finest public high schools), Jarvis Street was actually named after a family of Jarvises whose stamp on the city dates back to the early 1800s. In fact, so despised were the last few relics of the Jarvis clan that Toronto’s Jarvis Collegiate went so far as to clearly distance itself from the street’s original namesake (”the school was named after the street. take note of that, please—after the street!”).
(more…)
Filed by The Editor on June 8th, 2005
June 2, 2005
Fiction & Art, Language & Literature
One day, many years after the rise of modern man, life suddenly decided that it wanted “love” to be written down, once and for all. “But,” said life, “a writer needs great inspiration to create something so beautiful; and inspiration equally needs a writer’s gentle touch to bring its own subtle poetry into being.”
So life conspired to bring both of these elements into the world, in the hopes that they might someday meet, and together, explore the true meaning of the word “love” for one final time.
Whether and when they would meet was in no way certain. In fact, it was distinctly uncertain. But life wanted “love” to inspire, and “love” only inspires when it’s shared.
So one day, the two lovers met. They didn’t know it at the time, but their love was actually a gift; as though the world conspired to bring them together, if only to share that love with the world.
Sometimes it’s easy to forget that it takes more than one person to accomplish our dreams, to achieve our full potential, to pass on our good fortune and to discover our true destiny. But love always reminds us that doing things alone is never as satisfying as doing them with someone else; someone who shares our deepest and innermost desires and our highest personal dreams; someone who understands the power and beauty of trust; someone whose purpose in life is somehow tied to your own; and someone whose purpose in love is somehow tied to your heart.
And when the two lovers finally met — when the writer was finally inspired and that inspiration was finally written down — only then was life content. Only then was “love” first understood. Only then was the world at peace.
Filed by The Editor on June 2nd, 2005
May 21, 2005
Language & Literature, Politics & World Affairs
the rational post wants YOU! (insert uncle sam’s best conscription imagery HERE)
that’s right! you, MR. DYCK, JONATHAN, have been selected to represent the exceedingly prestigious and only recently world-renouned “rational post” as their senior NEW YORK correspondent.
your pen name: DYCKTATOR (or whatever creative handle you prefer!)
to qualify, simply send us a sample of your best journalistic material, specifically as it pertains to the production of feature-quality “rational” insight into the heart and soul of the real NEW YORK, as you, MR. DYCK, JONATHAN, might happen to see it.
write about the PERILOUS life of INVESTMENT BANKING. write about the DANGERS of GENERAL URBAN MISCHIEF. write about SEX in that UNREAL CITY.
what whatever you do, just write. and trust me, you won’t regret it!
~d
(remember, i’m not only the club president…i’m also a client!)
Filed by The Editor on May 21st, 2005
May 18, 2005
Fiction & Art, Language & Literature
(another piece of early creative writing, first conceived during the intensely productive summer of 1998. once again, please pardon any excessive “linguistic enthusiasm”…)
man’s great intention
is every man inclined to greatness?
what sets apart the icons of humanity from the masses?
who provides the “average”
against which the hero’s rank is so often compared?
why do some realize their inherent genius
while others fail to even search?
could every man be as great as the greatest?
and if so, what of those rare and precious few
who’ve been so commendably erected
to the dizzying heights of perpetual praise?
so lucky is the brave stranger who chances to seek
that which is within himself, for if that greatness lies beyond
his inward glance, his incorrigible grasp,
the search alone was more than worth the effort.
what could be better for the communion of man
than a shared sense of the super-human,
and the greater glory of a unified social elite?
of man’s greatness much has been said,
but none more debasing than words of his normality,
his basic composition, or his otherwise unremarkable character.
great is the society to which we all belong,
but far greater still is our human potential,
carrying us to greatness on the shoulders of our heros
and their many great conquests into the world unknown.
for these champions of progress, “to be” is truly “to be more”.
“to be more”, then, is a chance to excel; perchance to achieve;
and in such achievements, much praise to receive.
for such is the ultimate glory of man,
and such is his duty in life’s master plan.
Filed by The Editor on May 18th, 2005
May 16, 2005
History & Society, Language & Literature
(The following is an exerpt from a book I started to write in the summer of 1998 (at the age of 19). Having taken my first few courses in undergrad philosophy, I was overcome with a sense that traditional philosophical theory was far too exclusive. Convinced that there had to be a better way to share logic and reason with the world, I wrote a little something called “Modern Philosophy: A Comprehensive Study of Man and His Environment”, and this is how it all began…)
PREFACE:
ON THE ACCESSIBILITY OF PHILOSOPHY
Upon first seeing this book on the shelves of the local bookstore, you undoubtedly asked yourself, “Another book on Philosophy? Who keeps writing these things?!” The simple answer, in this case, is me. The more complex answer is addressed throughout the rest of the book, and is best summarized by the assertion that nearly every book on philosophy ever written (aside from those few revolutionary texts that actually manage to steer philosophy in a brand new direction) was created by the exact same person. Now by this I don’t intend to convince you that some two thousand year old hermit is sitting in a penthouse at the Ritz-Carlton pumping out text after text under various assumed names. What I am trying to highlight is the uncanny similarity between many of these books, and the lack of insight that such redundency ultimately provides.
People today are fed up with “traditional” philosophy (a term which I will soon redefine) and its droning chorus of extravagant equations: “A wants to X, such that U is the result of B watching A do X without Y.” They want to read something in modern prose, with a message that examines some of the more challenging questions of our times.
One need look no further than the title of this section (”ON THE ACCESSIBILITY OF PHILOSOPHY”) to witness first-hand the arrogance of philosophical rhetoric. The introductory “epithet” is quite popular in philosophical circles, and draws its roots from the writings of the ancient Romans whose works were published in Latin, Rome’s native tongue. In Latin epithets, as in Latin poetry, phrases were brief and implied a meaning much larger than was explicitly demonstrated. Take for example the Latin proverb, “de gustibus“, which literally means “about taste.” The full translation of this proverb, however, reveals just how exclusive philosophy has become: “there is no argument when it comes to taste.” In my mind, this is a perfect example of how philosophers have adopted a linguistic system that’s only useful for those students whose academic background matches that of their teachers, to the unfortunate exclusion of everyone else.
(more…)
Filed by The Editor on May 16th, 2005